i was born a porn star she said
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
I just gave head in the laundry room on campus. He said it was one of the best moments in all of history. Take that, neil armstrong.
I'm having flashbacks from last night. Did I admit to pausing Whitney's funeral because I was watching porn? I believe I did.
The only image of you you know is from reflections or pictures. Its 2d. But what other people see is 3d. How do you know that's your real face! MIND.BLOWN.
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?
Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
we should get together and get drunk.
On a Monday?
don't discriminate against mondays.
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
Randomize
