we should go somewhere reaaaaaal shady
My dignity? Collapsing on itself like a dying star.
I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
I'm gonna make a therapist very happy and very wealthy this semester.
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
But I REALLY want to hide my crazy for as long as possible with him so he'll date me.
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
I would wear his ballsack as a hat if he asked me to
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
Randomize
