before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
I guess calling a coworker a lesbian sea cow is some kind of violation.
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
fuck. I just remembered I agreed to let you finger me last night for solely for "scientific purposes"
25 People Confess The Most Ignorant Thing Someone Has Ever Said To Them
just a question.. totally understand if you dont know what im talking about.. but.. do you have my funnel? i think i tucked it in to your bed last night.
I saw a stripper quit while on stage to months ago nothing you tell me will amaze me
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
So I went to daintily fall onto my bed like I was in a hotel commercial and I completely missed my matress and landed on my floor. Just thought u should know.
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
27 Signs That Someone Will Probably Be Bad At Sex
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
Nothing tops off the night like giving emotional and spiritual guidance to a 70 year old transvestite.
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.