I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
i just traded 2 rolls of toilet paper for half a water bottle of vodka. i love college
23 Roommates Share Secrets Their Roomie Thinks They Don’t Know
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
He wins the giant teddy bear for getting the neuva ring on the dick
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
29 Cringeworthy Situations People Realized They Shouldn’t Be In
it'll be like a game of Russian Roulette, but with my vagina.
He made me tacos after the sex. Best date ever!
I'm a grown ass woman. Treat me like one. Fuckboy
there's a 50/50 chance the night will end in alcohol-induced rituals of satanic nature
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Wake up. Smoke. Masturbate while eggos cook. Go back to bed. Smoke. Body spray shower. Beer with breakfast. Class. Morning of a champion.