I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
2010 has been the year of the Eskimo brother. Let's see how many igloos we can shack in next year
25 People Share How They Got Out Of Their Longest Dry Spell
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
There's a good chance a guy sucked off my right earring last night
It's supposed to be a shit show, it's an end of the world party.
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
21 People Confess Their Craziest Online Dating Experience
It's disgusting. He breathes through his mouth and just sounds fat. Plus he chews all loud and shit.
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
One. But meh. I upped my age limit to like 29 hoping I'll match with this one fedex guy that delivers packages to my work
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.