I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
can you blow me for old times sake
only for old times sake
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
The blow job award ceremony was a little much. You guys didn't need to call out what happened the night before.
What? How can you say that? You won!
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
He told me to take off work and bring a bathing suit. If this doesn't involve six flags hurricane harbor or sex in a hotel pool I'm going to be disappointed.
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
It's the third day of class and I got told I smell like a distillery.
I don't think he likes that I'm always sending him pictures of me in my bra but he needs to get it together
I am putting clothes on to go find a brownie
In my experiences, brownies are better naked.
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
Randomize