i half slept with him but i still dont owe you any money
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
He looks like the kind of guy that still collects pokemon cards
wait a second. did i just remember you the other night referring to your tits as tia and tamara.....
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
THEY ARE MY AGE. THEY ARE YOUR LITTLE SISTER'S AGE THIS IS A DELICATE MATTER. CAPS LOCK
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
Idk if you've ever had the pleasure of 1. Vomiting on a sidewalk - at 3 in the afternoon 2. Vomiting nachos or 3. Vomiting nachos out of your nose but really I do not advise any of the above.
There's an official council for his ex boyfriends. They told me they 'look forward to the day I join them'.
i am going to show so many millionaires my nipple
Houston, we have a blender
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.