I am choosing my outfit based on how fast I can get it off. Please help.
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
So to distract myself from jackies vomiting, im making up a story in my head. It's called the little penis that could
I was making out with him, and then his friend randomly took off my pants and started going down on me. My first semi-threesome was a success.
Moral of the story: I had sex to Back to the Future last night.
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
He showed up at 1:10AM covered in mud and vomit, wearing a headband that said victory in Japanese. I WANT PICS.
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
Randomize
