Maybe I need a light up heart over my vagina like Christina aguilera to get the point across
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
i gave him a hand job with one hand and held the 40 with the other. this is like freshman year all over again.
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
Dude, I went home and roller-bladed into her bedroom so I didn't have a 'walk' or shame in the morning..I wouldn't talk to her unless she refereed to me as Brink
Gravity stopped and i'm discussing Greek philosophy with two guys I don't know. There's someone asleep on me. We need to use their dealer.
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
i accidenteley seduced the christian girl's brother so i dont think we can count on free church picnic food again
A bee came out of the shoe box and stung her. Even the insect community doesn't want her in those hideous things.
Is it okay to send him a "thanks for the sexual awakening" note?
I need to start a penis folder so I stop "accidentally" showing people my junk. On a side note- St. Pattys penis was a hit, four leaf clover and all.
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
I find nice boys who are in extremely long term relationships with nice girls, wait for them to break up, and sneak in for the rebound fucking.
You are like a terrifying jaguar of sex. Predatory.
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