i friday night watching house. god, i need a life, friends, and a legitimate fake id.
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
once my pubes got caught on her snaggletooth it was all downhill from there
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
It's not kidnapping if it's romantic
hey, i'm all for honesty but let's not get carried away
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
Alright, deal. Settling two drug deals before noon is what I call a productive day. I'm not even gonna go to math, I've practiced enough numbers for the day.
I probably should have waited until after the game to pity fuck him. You know, seeing as we lost.
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
Randomize
