it's not our fault the pink and the sink are so close together.
How many 'remember name' entries is it inappropriate to have in one's cell phone?
You told me when we were leaving the club if I could pin point your nipple through your padded bra you would show me if I was right.
did i walk over a car last night?
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
I couldn't drink enough to fuck the friend, you said challenge accepted and stole some chicks shot.
He then used a box cutter I keep in my car to open the plan b. Who says chivalry is dead?
You tore a poster off a lamppost and ATE IT. That drunk.
How did people get blow jobs before text messaging?
She woke up, mumbled "the trees" When i asked her what about them, she yelled "WE NEED THEM FOR OXYGEN," Then went back to sleep.
We need to get on her level.
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
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