I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
I think when she wakes up, she'll either kill me, or laugh. I hope she laughs.
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
Apparently love is stronger than SoCo
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
his version of basketball was throwing hot sauce packets down my cleavage at taco bell at 2 am with his buddy.the cashier kept score
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
The salesman at the smoke shop just told me my hair is glorious...
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
I may just have to resign myself to life in flats. He's a sexy little chipmunk that worships me.
Randomize
