I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
you know he's having a sex change. I can't believe you called him "titty man" to his face....
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
What a dumb baby whore.
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
So I stappled myself into my toga... that should be interesting getting out of later tonight...
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
Do you think I shall pursue this journey to the center if the dick?
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
Who put my cat in the fridge?
dude, where did you go? french fries taste like numbers
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