smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
I'm still tasting pancake mix. I think this may actually be a serious medical problem...
Based off the amount of cat hair on my poncho....i stole a cat last night.
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
I volunteer to be the person who breaks into the room and runs around naked and has to be escorted out by police.
I'm just going to take a nap and hope I wake up more attractive.
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
Randomize
