just threw up in the bushes outside my lecture hall. sometimes i hate the freedom college gives you.
How do you get eyebrow wax out of your butthole region?
The fact that you aren't ashamed to ask that is the reason I will give you the answer. Under the sink there is a bottle of wax remover. Throw my waxing kit away as well.
All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
Also I just had a flash back ... He told me I have nice nipples and then asked me about yours..
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
He fucked me while wearing a unicorn horn. I think I have found the one...
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
Last night was fun but it wasn't right. I will say that our lives intersected for a brief and intense moment and we will just leave it there.
Im going for myspace 2006 goth bitch. Your worst nightmare
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