he said i look beautiful when i cum. i think i'm in love.
i think i just witnessed the elusive male walk of shame
his cum shot went directly into his bellybutton. felt like i was playin ski ball
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
The 21 Worst Ways People Have Been Dumped
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
just saw way to many penises for it being 5 o'clock on a thursday
He invited you over for Super Sexy Saturday and Cosmos... I'm pretty sure that's gay
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
19 People Confess The Worst Things They Have Been Accused Of
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale