I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
Also how the fuck did i get like 30 brown napkins
so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
Ok forget what i said about christmas break being awful. Chasing shots with fudge
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
Why do fat girls all have such cute faces?
God wants them to get laid too.
I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
i went out at 5pm and cant remember anything until 3am...i was at the bus stop parking lot running around doing the Arrested Development chicken calls.
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
She showed up after 3 hours and proceded to make us all feel like resonable human beings. I dont know how she did it but she did it.
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
There's no such thing as shame in your world, is there?