I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
I dont think that drinking by ourselves on a saturday night counts as being "fun alcoholics"
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
Hahaha I asked him about her bjs and he said "I would not wish that on anyone"
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
unfortunetly they frown upon drunk on duty paramedics
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
Another beautiful Sunday, another beautiful day the stick is not positive. Amen.
i just got hit on on the bus. Yes sir, because its every boys dream to fuck a forty year old with a face tattoo
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
He stuck a cigarette in my butt last night. There is no coming back from that.
It should be perfectly legal to tase anyone not wearing a mask.
Randomize
