i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
i just shit on the floor of my room. my roommate was in the bathroom, my choices were limited.
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
Sometimes you gotta say "hey, its been a long semester. Let's puke before 10"
Need to spend sober time with him while fully clothed. I can't decide if he's a seriously amazing man or a complete fucking dickbag.
This is me not judging you for what a fine line you draw between the two.
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
I'm not gonna plow a chick in front of her 14 year old brother....
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
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