Well listen chief - never again do i want the scenario of going to the ER totally naked and partially drunk to b a possibility.
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
who said I'd never amount to anything...i just won 'most enthusiastic' at my poledancing class
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
then you said,"Take this damn cabbage!" although it was actually your shirt. i found you in the elevator of his building.
Ed's in which sucks about a thousand cocks... But thats 1800 less than working with Alex so it's gonna be a good day
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
You puked on the bar then proceeded to walk out. I told the bartender some girl walked up, puked and left and he gave me a free drink. Hope you got home safe.
Stop touching yourself.
Wtf!?!?!?! Did you install a camera???
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
who the fuck is meatball and why is he telling you to nap on the bar
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
I dunno what to tell you sport. Short of having a shock collar on, you're gonna wanna hook up with people.
Randomize
