On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
I love how girls just decide that guys who don't like them must be gay
I do the same thing. If a girl doesn't like me...I am like, "i must be gay"
mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
After the nose/jizz incident i think our relationship can handle anything.
I swear she looks like a sloth.... I'll toss a coin...
we watched a guy take a shot of tequila while riding a unicycle
RAAAAAAAAWWWWRRRRRR
THATS ME HOWLING MY ENJOYMENT OF THE THINGS WE CAN DO WHILE GETTING DRUNK
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
Highlight your past hook-ups. You've been stabbed, shot at, run over, and chased down the road...no you can't bring new bar bitch over here!
Dude she has a friend!!!!
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