how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
i wish exes would disappear into a world where we never have to deal with them again, and they can just create drama for each other. Then if they wanted to talk to us, they would have to apply to get a "visa" to come back to our world.
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
Just got the American Express annual summary for 2009. The amount of bars we visited last year is impressive.
Too late, the blunt's already in my cleavage
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
Your argument isn't valid... just because I test the waters doesn't make me gay. Makes me versatile. And who doesn't love that!
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
I still can't believe that I ate McDonald's off of my chest in his bed...
Cross faded me is not the classiest.
No not at all haha I wish there was a picture of that
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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