i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
and she's shaped like a lego person so that's not happening
So I just introduced myself to this guy in front of me and now he's saving my pictures on facebook to his phone..
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
He is the one I "technically" lost my virginity to.
I feel like you never had a virginity..
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
Currently playing beer pong versus the girl i lost my virginity to.....and her mom
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
We need a shit load of segways right now
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
i'm gonna crowd surf you onto his dick
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
Randomize
