i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
i want to give my vagina back to god and say no thank you
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
I love the moment a guy admits defeat against the front clasping bra.
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
I just saw someone EAT a flashcard out of frustration. Finals suck.
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
I had sex on a seadoo on the middle of the lake lastnight
I just sold Adderall to a priest, im not quite sure how I feel about this situation
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