so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
Her underwear doesnt even match. If youre going to be a face book whore at least have matching shit.
Im sending over a girl who thinks youre in the next twilight movie
your the best winggirl ever
after eating me out, he asked for something to drink. i gave him a glass of water and he said he needed something stronger.
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He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
I have cum and leaves all over me. Don't ask questions.
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
YOU UNCULTURED BADGER
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