he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
Haha at least the one I have like that you can't tell we are completely drunk and you're about to kick a glass out of my hand in a fit of joy over pizza.
Like theyre better than no shoes. I'm sitting her balls naked playing xbox in nothing but crocs with the fur
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
What's clit gel and why is it in my wallet.
Hhhaaa He said Peanutburter disinfect lol. Like peanut butter can disinfect stuff. None of those guys are safe
Randomize
