We're hooking up, I have a toothbrush at her place, and yet on leaving her apartment a minute ago we said goodbye with a hi five. WTF?
You're upset about this?
The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
It's hipsters with their motorcycle cop mustaches, moccasins, douchey irony, and department stores to supply their independent conformity
Something's gotta give!
I either just heard my neighbors having sex or she really agreed with whatever he was talking about.
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
the boys lacrosse roster just went up... now we can see who we had sex with
you are not perverted enough for this relationship to work out.
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
If you were curious as to how many pounds of bagged marijuana can fit in the trunk of a 2010 Chevrolet Aveo, we now have the answer
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
I've really become a household name at this fraternity. Mother would be so proud.
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
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