Jennifer and I just ate like 4 jello shots w/ a guy dressed as inspector gadget. We are still in the capital building btw
I love Texas.
im pretty sure there are laws against slapping prostitutes
i'm pretty sure there are laws against prostitutes.
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
I haven't even gone in yet. I'm sitting in the waiting room playing a game i like to call "Who else is here for AA".
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
Just realized I could have five different dicks in me the day of valentines day but no real date. My life
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
I was using my Beauty and the Beast blanket as a makeshift skirt because no pants
but I have boobs. I'm not going to buy my own drinks at the bar like some kind of fucking animal.
8 minutes into the New Year and and I've already sent a nude...new year, new me?
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
So I think my neighbor's name is Olli if I'm hearing the girl the girl he's fucking clearly
Randomize
