Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
i just unblacked out cuddled in a pita pit booth with ten dollars rubberbanded to my hand.
There's a point around the one and a half minute mark where the keg stand goes from impressive to pathetic
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
I CAN FEEL MY HEART BEATING MY WHOLE BODY
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
I know it's anime porn but I promise you the guy looks like Fred Durst
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize
