Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
And secondly i just said i'd pay ten dollars to have sex with you
im gonna put my furry chinchilla vagina on her mother effing nose
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
Do you recall us playing flip cup on your head?
Come outside. The vendor wants to go out strong tonight! Russian hooker interviews. Don't ask. We leave in 3 minutes.
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
They poured beer (3 cans) down the toilet so bubbles can be drunk in fishy heaven
when he put a condom on for a handjob cuz he didn't want to "blow his load in the car" i started to question my choice in guys..
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
No one should ever be so high that they forget the food. That's just...its a violation of God and Nature, of the very laws that we live by!
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
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