What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
everyday i become more and more impressed with my facebook stalking skills
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
Chipotle chips and wine for breakfast. Its def game day
Maybe it's the vicodin, but all I wanna do is hunt wild hogs.
You know, I think when I have a lot of free time, thats when I pick up odd lovers. Maybe keeping busy is key to not using my vagina
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
Sex on the trampoline with your two best friends cheering you on: PRICELESS.
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
Randomize
