my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
fuck your need to drink for whitney a thousand times last night.
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
My legs have surpassed "hairy" and entered the territory of "furry". Maybe I should just suck it up and shave already
No now I'm curious!
Did she owns a vibrator that will set off seismic activity.
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
How hard do you think it would be to make a drinking game out of a Slip-N-Slide? Asking for a friend.
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
Randomize
