I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
I just know... :) goodntight
Whoops, meant "goodnight", but the other is true too.
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
I dont know how to respond to your rave picture. I mean yeah, he's hot, but it just seems wrong to be like "Please tell me you fucked that guy with the pacifier!"
Worst luck of my entire life. Came in my own mouth
Could have been worst, could have seen me bent over biting her carpet while her son was inside me, i think i would have respnded with "i was just trying to be quiet"
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
Yeah and you keep saying "I know how to win America." While running away from us
Star Wars means nothing to me. I know only the basics. Darth is Luke's father. R2 is short, C3 is gold. Yoda sings Rainbow Connection. The kinda stuff EVERYONE knows.
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
Randomize
