I accidentally burped into my bong.
i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
we'll go far in life on tits alone.
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
We weren't even through customs yet, and we got offered weed. You would love Jamaica.
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
I don't question myself. That's what I have you for.
I'm honored.
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
Just let me put on a bra and brush the alcohol out of my hair.
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
Randomize
