she was left over bi-product, like the hotdog of the human race
I told him I was prego. He asked coul we do it without a condom now since I cldn't get any pregnanter. What an a-hole.
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
It's not every day you get to see a girl fuck herself with a pickle.
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
Yeah thats cool. We can play the alphabet game while doing bumps of coke in the back of his volswagon
I'm sitting with my parents watching football and moaned when I saw his shirtless picture. They looked at me weird so I had to turn the moan into a laugh. A sad, really horny laugh.
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
you were on all fours in the front yard puking, but managed to hand the pizza delivery guy a beer and to have a nice day.
I swear to God...this day is one great big who's who in the land of fucked uppedness.
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