Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
Finally considering to keep my landing strip before I have sex.. I feel like It makes me look mature.
There's a really old guy here with a really young girl. I'm guessing he has to make choo choo train noises to get his dick in her mouth.
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
Just beer bonged tequila, broke into the hotel next door and got chased by security. It's spring break
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU
MANY MANY THINGS AND MOST OF THEM ARE YOUR FUCKING FAULT
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
dude the last time we saw him was 2 nights ago when he was yelling that the trees were naked or some shit then he ran into the forest. I think its time for a search party
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
Everybody at Lexi's party found out I'm both a screamer and a moaner after he ate me out on the pool table downstairs. Just another sunday night in Alaska
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