just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
Since when does sleeping with your RA not result in free meal swipes? I feel so tricked...
We were squawking at each other for over an hour like chickens. Literally. Never touching the stuff again and never again showing my face at that Denny's.
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
I think a van full of parolees just blew me kisses. Thoughts?
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
He also needs to focus on not being such a little bitch, but that's none of my business.
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
Randomize
