you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
I just don't see what's wrong with carrying a water bottle around.
It's not the bottle. It's the fact that you're drinking wine out of a sport bottle at 9 am.
I dunno, but she kept buying me shots and asking me to go places with her. oh btw we're signed up to go bungee jumping Saturday
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
All I kmoe is rheres a coffee pot full pf vodka in my purse
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
I just want to know how she convinced 6 sober ROTC guys to have an ab contest on a street corner at 2 in the morning.
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
Then, even the devil himself would be scared of us. And we'd be bestfriends with Jesus. He would love us.
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
the guy had "bad bitches only" tattooed above his penis...
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
Randomize
