He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
Are you still giving blowjobs?
Who is this?
yeah except there is a correlation between drinking moonshine and going blind, which kind of concerns me
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
You left wolverine marks
I'm somewhere between sorry and proud
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
See and now you're talking. I am like the fairy godmother of hook ups.
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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