Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
Forgot to mention...Pamela Anderson has HPV, so i feel like im in good company
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
Ryab! Make hr wtop. Mshe make sme speee. I don want to pee. I want sev. He was so igbad. Redpo.
We got caught having sex in the bathroom by my professor. In accordance with tradition, we still brofisted. I think my grade went up considerably.
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
I said "one day" and that day is not today
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
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