i love how you can even make your typing come across bitchy
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
Just realized after we're done pre-gaming for St. Patricks Day, we have March Madness, the first day of spring, and Easter to pre-game for. March is a great month.
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
We've shared an experience, my friend. I, too, have talked on the phone with a parent while giving a handjob
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
Clearly my hormones are sending beaming lights to every penis in the area
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
I feel like vibrating beds are just synonymous with venereal diseases.
I'm bathroom at buffalo wild wings
I think incapable of making pants work send help
just blew him in the library. I am a classy dame
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
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