What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
help me choose which girl to send myself boning to my girlfriend to make her want to break up
which one looks the most like her?
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
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The bellhop gave us weed in our keycard envelop. We went down to tip him and he apparently never gets that so he just gave us more weed. Kentucky is strange
As I was sneaking out of his house last night his moms lover was sneaking in, he held the door for me...
that was THE gayest party i've ever been to
To be fair, the theme was Cabaret. I don't know what you were expecting.
I remember because you made a pirate noise when you came.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just figured out my hair is long enough to tie my wrists together. . .get over here NOW!
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
The problem with drugs is that there's none in this hotel
The problem with drugs is that showing my boobs only gets so much of them
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
Did he at least walk u home
He offered. I dont like that shit. I want his dick not his presence on my walk home
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