Sarah, plain, and tall I adore you
Spotted on freeway- girl in ford focus takes a hit from a 7 inch pipe while knee driving. She winked at me. I want her life.
True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
Get over here. It's an emergency. Just realized I haven't hd my mouth on a penis in two weeks. Get over here.
Osama's death just kick started our Cinco de mayo celebration. Margaritas for anyone wearing red white and blue!
i had to sit with a fan pointed directly to my vag for a good 10 minutes
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
You could be a whistle.. And just ask bitches if they want to blow you all night
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
Randomize
