shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
I would get the one fuckin stripper that's a lesbian. THE ONLY ONE
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
I feel like I've been drunk all of June. And I am in NO WAY ashamed about it.
Unless you consider jello shots food the answer is no there is no dinner here. When u get food get more wine too tired of you coming over drinking all my booze and destroying my vagina
the remote is under the fat chick passed out on the couch. Good luck .. and may god have mercy on your soul.
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
How many ballsacks did you see last night because I saw eight
I might run out into oncoming traffic. Id rather break my legs and/or die then continue with today.
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
Randomize
