I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
What'd you guys eat?
Literally everything that was frozen.
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
Apparently I confessed my love for him last night. Also, my love for cash4gold commercials.
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
I probably won't go. Last time I got drunk with those guys I just started demanding people let me touch their beards.Then I mocked everyone who didn't have facial hair.
I have a 30 minute video visit blind date tonight with a guy in prison. And it's costing me $9. ROCK... BOTTOM...
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
I called you daddy and let you stick things in my butt, I am a damn 11.
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
Randomize
