I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
there's something so ridiculous to me about watching someone with glasses exercising. it's like watching a whore studying in the library. stop trying to be someone you're not.
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
story update. I'm locked out of my house. Walk of shame advisory extended...
We need to go to the store an get depends. I really don't want to be bothered with the bathroom this weekend.
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
You stumbled into the hotel room escorted by security and then went into the bathroom sat by the toilet, threw up for hours while slamming your head on the wall and whimpering "why" over and over.. I went to bed
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
Randomize
