Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
I'm currently imdbing Helena Bonham Carter to see if there are any pictures of her that don't scare the crap out of me.
Good luck with that.
Went to the career fair today..I handed out many resumes to find out later that they say I have a bachelor o farts degree...Top that.
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
I hate him. I fucked every one of his friends AND his fat brother and he still won't break up with me.
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
You kept ripping all your clothes off and saying, "Let me be free!"
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
Her tramp stamp said call me maybe. You should have run for the nearest decontamination shower immediately.
Once again, marijuana saves me from going to jail
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
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