She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
Yeah I'm pretty sure at one point I was telling her to keep her dick in her pants. She was going to do some serious damage.
I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
Just been one of those weeks where alcohol out weighs friendship
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
I'm a full-grown woman and thusly I expect my sphincters to behave themselves.
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
Dude you where on that lil kids bike at 2 am ridin down the turning lane wearing only socks and a helmet singing born to be wild, no you weren't that fucked up
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