I just saw the dad from "Little People Big World" at the airport. I chased him down and congratulated him for beating the DUI.
STOP SENDING ME DANCING JESUS FORWARDS.
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
He threw up. He never throws up. It was like finding out superman cant fly anymore. I was so sad for him.
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
She was horrified when I asked if they had any strap on chin dildos, I was at a sex shop for gods sake must I be judged everywhere
You're not married and none of these idiots are committing to you so whore it up on whore island
Can we go to pirate hooker whore island then
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
she glued two packs of googly eyes on you while you were blacked out. We talked her out of using her hot glue gun.
ummmm thanks
Randomize
