I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
WTF YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND?
Oh yeah that.
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
after that, he'll be sure to remember me. i'll probably forget him, but that's the way it should be.
I vaguely remember taking a yard light, holding it up like the statue of liberty, and all of us at the party chanting the national anthem. What a glorious night
He asked me while we were fishing why the passion was gone when we have sex. It's official...I am the dude in this relationship.
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
One time she showed me her pierced nipples in our high school locker room and now she has a daughter
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
Basically we had a threesome in one room and a fivesome in the next room. Its what I like to call a win win situation.
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
Randomize
