Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
the lady next to me just sniffed my hair, smiled, and then fell asleep. I almost started crying from that kind of creepiness
don't cry, we can learn from her
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
I feel like he's only with me because no one else would blow him.
Sorry I dragged you across a parking lot
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
Walk of shame: Easter Edition. He is risen.
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
She's lucky her pussy is worth listening to her ramble about bedroom furniture for 30 minutes
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
Randomize
