Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
i will be blacked out in the shower. come get me. 20 mins.
it will be an insanely irresponsible summer.the only things i plan on not doing are dying and getting pregnant.and even those are negotiable
I feel like I need to get a restraining order against him but I'd probably be the one to break it.
I would ask what did you do but I feel like who did you do is probably more appropriate
I still smell like men's body wash from that drunken shower I took at that stranger's home last night.
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
We are without power. He took ALL the lightbulbs out and hid them.
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
walk of shame. I'm wearing my rain jacket over my dragon costume. My tail keeps dragging in the rain.
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
Randomize
