she was mega hot - except for the poop under her fingernails
Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
guys don't fucking realize that the only place girl like their faces jizzed on is in PORN, and that "squirting" is piss. JUST FUCKING PISS.
Haha, bad night?
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
under NO circumstances is it acceptable to fist pump to taylor swift
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
I've decided that it's a bad thing. But I've also decided that I don't give a fuck.
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
He said I could stop sending ass pics now and just say hello. I'm not sure if that means he's no longer interested, or that he's a gentleman??
He gave me my financial savings if I invested with him while I was giving him a bj.
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
Are we gonna talk about that cunnilingus snap
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
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