How's tricks little girl?
Trix are for kids, old man.
seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
i think beer pong is the only time ive ever found a use for geometry
I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
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I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
Eventually evolution will just give us a better liver anyway, so our great great grandkids should THANK us for our binge drinking.
There is a girl on the metro with no shoes and she's using a Crown Royal bag as a purse.
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
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Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
Do I really need this much space in my mouth?
Are you already high?
I'm covered in glow paint and I can't find my shirt. So, successful night
Thursday is not a good day to become a felon... It's bingo night
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
looked it up online and zoo tickets are only 20 bucks and there's also a museum of science close to the hotel.
i'm not going to a FUCKING museum. i want to be wasted and possibly double penetrated... have you EVER been on vacation?
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