I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
you used to get mad at me for mentioning 'unprotected sex' and happenings in my bed
well yeah, but then i realized the wisdom of your ways.
i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
when i'm not drinking i'm making facebook events about drinking
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
Worst night here by far. And ive slipped in my own piss so thats saying something
come over, blizzard of oz party. dress up.
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
I wish I cared about making my vagina as presentable as you do.
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
I have already put on my inside pants.
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