Is there a "Plan B" app for my iphone?
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
i find it simply astounding you spelled drunken wrong but pterodactyl right
Take this only to mean that we love you, but we're having a serious, half-hour, hypothetical discussion about how far we think we could throw you.
she's doing key bumps of parmesean cheese
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
he's gonorrhea incarnate
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
Just walked by the barren window naked in a family neighborhood. Who needs dignity.
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
I would like to formally reclaim my title of a turn up queen.
He literally just made me hold his dick while he peed cause he wanted to know if I could aim as good as him
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
Randomize
