I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
A Bum and I jusst hugged. its not even 8 pm.
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
So I peed on what I thought was a wall while in nashville come to find out while running from the cop it was just a dark tinted window and the while bar witnessed me peeing
I was stumbling so much, men walking behind us were shouting "don't hit the pole! don't hit the pole!" whenever I was near a telephone pole.
This summer isn't about fun. We have to train our livers to survive the next four years.
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
The power of the half flaccid cock, and to think, I thought I was just playing accordion in front of her Vagina!
All I know is if i get a free preview weekend of HBO then I am recording Kindergarten Cop.
You got your ass kicked outside KFC on Tuesday
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
They call you PBJ boy because you were trying to seduce me with pieces of a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Successfully might I add.
Randomize
