So drunk its hurt
Yeah, it wasn't as bad as I thought. I tried not to clench and things went pretty smoothly.
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
Is it wrong i wouldn't sleep with him because his boxers said #1 dad all over them?
Also, two points for knowing me well enough to know I definitely would put the moves on his brother.
Randomize
