saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
Yeah i wasn't gonna go out but then i was like im not gonna get my dick wet stayin at home studying
i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
Still want to know how you got back last night? Two Campus Security Officers carried you in around 430. Your pants were around your ankles.
I hate Sailor Jerry.
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
Well if I'm going to hook up with every ethnicity by the end of undergrad, I need to be moving on
I spent a lot of time in their kitchen cause I was convinced that the living room was gonna fall... Sorry for not warning you about that.
I feel like I was playing penis roulette last night nd I landed on the wrong one.
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
so, i take that as a legit invitation into his pants
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
Guy just rode past on a lowrider bike smoking a blunt, I want his life
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