if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
I would like to add..this is the first november for two years that i haven't cheated on a bf...thank you..thank you
bleeding from the face, sitting in a shopping cart and holding a wad of ripped caution tape. what else would i be doing?
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
So many gingers... It's like a beacon went out that said "this one is ok with red hair"
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
Poor guy. Tried so hard to get out of the friend zone. I had to make out with someone in front of him to put him in his place.
I don't want my vagina anymore.
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
Randomize
