I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
girl! he was asleep with his back to me.he farted and i actually felt the wind blow across my leg.nice
Oh and discovery of the day is it's the channel, not the time on your cable box. Thought it was 2:16 for 4 hours
He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
Dude give me 4 good reasons we shouldn't trade girlfriends tonight
he quoted the bible to break up with me
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
Got done with class, now I'm buying MD 2020 with the ex. Sure feels like college.
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
I mean, don't most people have like a two week grace period where it's okay to ditch new friends?
My bed smells like the plague
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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