Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
thank you whoever used my nalgene as a flask. pregamin in chem
It's total crap. On a side note I watched a porn of 4 guys wrestling in chocolate then messing around with each other. It was like a dream come true
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
ok now I feel liek a very drunk human instead of a chaos being thanks water
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
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