I just found a Chris Hansen soundboard online, care to guess what I'll be doing all day?
the new roommate knocked on my door this morning holding a bong in one hand and my dennys leftovers from last night in the other. love this kid. Best student housing placement ever.
I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
I think I've had 45 beers today though So things are looking up.
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
She told me she loves wine, but hates the mud butt the next day. Dude, way to much info on a second date.
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
i was ready to conquer the fucking world. i would have fought vin deisel to the death without hesitation
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